Underwater, Again

When you submerge completely in water while swimming or in the bath you are accompanied by a muffled isolation and calm that is unique to this feeling alone. You are aware of the sounds and things going on above your head, in the real world, but there’s nothing but your immediate awareness, sometimes eyes shut, sometimes looking through the broken light in the water, and there, in your silence, you can find your own thoughts.

That’s how I feel at graduate school right now and I’ve been there for three days. There’s definitely things going on around me, but unless I am sitting right infront of it in my consciousness it is lost on me. Talk about losin the ability to multi-task–no, not even multi-task, multi-comprehend. I have my to-do list, and my ipod full of music and ooks, and beyond that I’m sort of drowning in my own, private thoughts.

And I sincerely hope that I can come above water again soon.

xx Jess

Living History

I scanned over an article this morning as Queen Elizabeth II has now surpassed the previously recorded oldest monarch and it reminded me that we are literally living history everyday. I guess we would be even if the monarchy didn’t exist (or if our media wasn’t obsessed with it, including the wee Princess Charlotte whom I am unapolegetically obsessed with) but it just seems to fascinating to me that hundreds of years from now people, history students in a classroom, will have purchased a textbook with dates like 2015 printed in them on a timeline and we will be nothing but mere legends.

And it reminds me, that even though not everything was recorded there were unrecorded imprints of history everywhere.

Someone who is quickly becoming one of the most interesting people to talk to in my life recently mentioned that walking through a graveyard and noticing the tombstones would be an interesting/enjoyable activity. I didn’t agree immediately, but after watching a youtube video this past weekend of a young family taking their TODDLER to a cemetery in the rain and carefully expressing how brilliant it was to reflect on the lives and personalities of those who were buried there had.

When it comes to living a life that is worth living, what is there to aim for? To be remembered? To make a lasting impression? To write the next Friends or XFiles? Or is it to be remembered by those who you have made an impact on? Or to be remembered at all?

I can confidently say that I will not be much in history books, maybe if they ever archive the internet (ha!) this blog will live on, or my facebook profile, or my Google searches , browser history….Is there any meaning in what we choose to write down in the history books? We remember what we want to remember, and in two hundred years, nine hundred years, we will be nothing but imprints.

So existing in a media-driven part of the world where history is being made before our eyes can make us–sorry, can make me think all kinds of things about my own life. Am I existing? Should I open my eyes more? Should I walk slower and notice the people on the street? “Smell the roses” as they say? I’m frequently plagued with the thought that there is no guarantee that I will live well into my mid-eighties, retired from a full-lived life with grandchildren visiting and bread baking and knitting with Coronation Street on the tv…but life is (impending doom of a cliche approaching) fleeting. It sickens me to say but it is so true.

I’m not sure how to end this, as I’d rather not give advice, so let’s just say that I will never be the Queen of England, and will definitely not invent some world-altering technology that will change billions of peoples’ lives. I can continue to passionately make an imprint, everywhere, and that’s my cure for a fleeting life.

xx Jess

Headphones in Two Ears…Finally

Dear, dear friends,

My it has been a while since I opened up this internet window…Should I apologize?  Should I beg for forgiveness?  I’ve been swamped (understatement) with work, work, rehearsals, work, and friends a bit.  Things have come and things have gone, things have changed, and in particular…I have changed.  Hi hey hello, its still me, Jess, but you might not recognize me.

My hair hasn’t changed.  I’m still somewhat short, somewhat swuishy, somewhat brunette little me.  I’m still heading off to my masters this fall, and still living in a studio apartment in Toronto, but there’s something sort of…shifted, inside of me.  It might have been work, it might’ve been the city rubbing off on me, but man there’s just a little bit off here.  Not off, that’s silly to say, I’m just a different version of me.  How do I know?  Its simple.

I’ve started wearing both headphones in my ears in the city.

Everywhere in the city.  On the subway?  Yep.  Down the streets in the dark?  Yes.  While in coffee shops in line?  Absolutely.  I was too worried before my two-week stint off at work, but now, while entering the extreme routine of rehearsals, running a company/festival, masters, work and a new social life I’ve found myself settling into Toronto.  And it feels right here right now, and its great, but still a bit…unsettling.

I want to take chances, and be honest, and be vibrant and fun and make mistakes and jump around the city in skirts and dresses and drink shots during happy hour and swear at the streetcars and spend hours in bookstores in the rain and drink more than thre coffees in one day and take the subways to the end of each line and lay on the glass floor in the CN tower and just….be. Just live.

I heard somewhere last night before sleeping that the best reveenge for anything and anyone is to live.  Just to live your life.  And in that  same moment they spoke about being hurt and the worst hurt is knowing that you have to live and experience the hurt…but its all about being alive.  I think there’s something about living that is so addictive, that is so motivational in a onderful, strange way.  I want to experience the minutes that are in my life, and not live a cliche but not live a nothing life either.  I feel like my life here in Toronto has become a SOMETHING life, and that, that my friends is amazing.

What a feeling.  Guys, I feel everything in such a great way in this moment.

I will be posting more regularly, more posts about my thoughts because while I’m busy the best thing I can share are the ways that I continue to actually live.  Here’s mine for today:  put both of your headphones in once in a while, put your soundtrack to your life, live.  Just live.

xx Jess

Current Location: Too Far From Any Coffee Shop

Hello friends! What a week and a half it has been since I last updated you all. Since moving in I’ve delivered a few theatre workshops, continued to plan a national program and drank copious amounts of ber and coffee. So far this summer has been quite enjoyable, but I have one bone to pick with my new place.

I have yet to discover its super cute, amazingly-cheap, hipster-driven coffee shop. There’s one on my way to work, but I can’t read the signs to see how much coffee is and I never get up early enough to be that girl asking for the first time, so I’ve got to wait.

This means my first coffee is after three subways and a bus when I arrive at work. Given its free, but still, girl needs a coffee a bit earlier than an hour after the commute on Toronto public transit.

Forever waiting until I’ve saved my pennies and banked enough time for me to go and pick out a keurig, but there is still the charm in a local coffee shop nearby first thing in the morning. Its the nuance of becoming a “regular” them knowing my order, “keep the change,” becoming a normal occurance. It’ll happen, its just waiting for it to come to me is taking a while.

Good coffe, albeit few and far between, can be worth the wait.

Until I find this perfect place nearby I guess I’ll have to survive off of free coffee at the CNIB. What a hard life to lead.

Until next time,

xx Jess

My Day In Photos: Moving Day

Hello my friends!  Welcome to my Moving Blog post!  Below are a bunch of photos describing my moving day.  Thanks to my parents and my lovely Grandpa who came and set me up, provided me with lots of goodies for the kitchen and some night lights to help me get around, and make it as comfortable as possible for me.  I am so grateful to them, and so happy and proud to be in my first solo apartment!  I’ve made it my own, and will slowly keep adding to it!











xx Jess



To the best of my knowledge I currently am the proud owner of two very different tumblr blogs.  Do you not know what a tumblr blog is?  Where have you been?  Clearly not sitting on the internet.  I spent hours in my first year of university not binge-watching netflix shows, not writing papers or doing readings (although both activities were prevelant in my life at the time) but scrolling mindlessly and mindfully through tumblr finding pictures that spoke to me, said something to me, and I frequent that blog often, but no longer post on it.  Interested?


It coincided with my 365 Blog I was writing at the time, where I wrote one blog post a day.  Its similar in title so if you are really interested and are so inclined to find it on your own feel free to do so.


Since then and since I stopped posting on my Whisper Happy blog, I have taken momentary hiatuses from tumblr.  I tend to turn to this website in times of complete and total dismay; when a tragedy happens in my family, another surgery, travel.  In England I spent hours on tumblr, and upon my return home, in the mind-bumning depression that accompanied me for the following months of homesickness to London and a tragedy, this blog found its way into my life:


And right now it seems as though Cosy Pockets might have a reutrn.  I am not depressed, but in transition, and it has seemed that tumblr plays a different role for everyone who uses it.  Usually people tend to use it similarly to Facebook, to post pictures and share things with an online community.


People use it to respond to current events and share eachother’s musings, which I love, but have never been a part of.

Lots of people use it for sexual content, not my style.

I like to create something pretty that I honestly return to all of the time.  I spend hours scrolling through my old reblogged pictures and smile, I did this this morning, and that’s why this post is here today.  I hope to create a new blog, although I think I have in the recent weeks, and if this is true, and it starts becoming active again, rest asssured that the link will appear somewhere on this written blog in due time.

Until then, enjoy my journals, my online, picture-oriented, curated by MOI journals, the tumblr.com generation is what we should be called, and if you agree then I’d love to see your blogs too.

My last note about tumblr is that everyone tends to have one and use it in different ways, yes, but once upon a time I used my tumblr as a love letter.  T whom?  Well, funny you mist ask, because there was a person in particular, and I do still believe that these tumblr blogs turn out to be a love letter to eachother of some kind, but in diferent lights now.  I think my lvoe letter is to the digital world and accessibility of emotions on the internet, to life, and to expression.


xx Jess

*All photos were found from my previous tumblr posts, I’m sure the credit is due, but a common thread on tumblr is finding the credit itself, so I apologise and give credit if these are your photos, they are beautiful, and I only use them because I myself cannot take photos such as these.  Also Audrey Hepburn wouldn’t pose for me, so you know…

Sunday Rain Adventure

Hi Friends! I’m sure you’re all about in various weather but today in Toronto it is pouring, and I’ve decided to grit my teeth, put on a sweater and find something to do outdoors. Alright, out of my doors, I walked down Bloor and tried to get into the BMV but it was closed, so ended up at Bulk Barn to find cranberry omega 3 flax cookies! So delicious, happy to have some goodness in my baked goods!


Then I tried out the Almond Butterfly cafe, which has Gluten Free baked goods and the tastiest coffee! This is the kind of day that I would usually do with my buddy ol’ pal AJ, but he’s being a big world traveller and is currently melting in Paris, so I am allowed to do a bit of our to-do list if it gets me out of the house!

I got a cheese biscuit with garlic as well from the cafe, it needs a warm up but I plan on having a nibble of that while catching up on some Youtube videos today!


I also picked up the new Vogue and the New Yorker, a few of my favourite reads when it comes to relaxation time! What a fun day I’ve got going for myself.

I’ve a few other errands to work on this afternoon, I need to do some yoga as my lower back is acting up, apply for a scholarship and do a bit of research. This is my last sunday with room mates, which feels insane ad also the coolest thing ever!

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I hope to do a face mask and foot therapy this evening, to end the day with some kind of real relaxing, beginning of the week motivation! I also need to find a new Netflix show, so that’s another thing on my to-do list for today!

Happy Sunday all!

xx Jess

Anectdote Post 1: I Wanna Dance

A long time ago, in a world much different than this (3 years max.) my younger brother used twitter much more frequently than he does now…Come to think of it, I’d be surprised if he knew his password, anyways.  I tweeted before going out to a pub night “I wanna dance with somebody!” referring to the popular Whitney Houston song, thinking how sweet and cute I am, tweeting song lyrics, as one usually does.

Not five minutes later I get a mention to my twitter inbox which read “WITH SOMEBODY WHO LOVES ME”

From my, at the time, eleven-year-old brother.

Now, at fourteen, just returning from his first school trip to Quebec City, graduating middle school next week, taller than me, and off to Highschool next year, my Bro is just as cool (although he’d hate to see me writing this embarassnig tale for all to see) LOVE YOU BUB.

Happy Friday, friends!

xx Jess

“I’m All Right Right Now”

Oh friends, its another rainy day here in Tornoto, and if pathetic fallacy wasn’t so pathetic (ha-ha) then I would say it reflects my mood.  Its been a hard day and a bit, tired, pain, losing things, sister’s off travelling the world, and it just feels like everything’s coming at once, and I have been trying to get my head on straight.  Do you ever feel that way?  That its spinning and twirling almost out of control?  Heads spin sometimes, but is it possible for them to just continue on spinning?

So to cope with yesterday I did my daily yoga, but man, did that backfire.  Hurt my neck, broke a chair, its all just been…inconclusive, I guess.  And mid-note taking for Muddy Mary I opened up my meditation book that I keep beside my bed just in case and the practice “I’m All Right Right Now” opened itself up to me.  Its simple.  Just notice how you are in this exact moment and recognize how you are NOT in danger, not drowning or immediate danger, relatively safe and sound…And that you are all right.  You may not be “fine,” or emotionally stable, or happy, and you may want things–but you are ALL RIGHT.  And I’ve thought just that for the past awake hours.

I am all right.

Things are what they are.  Is it going to cost me a bit of money (“it” referring to yesterday as a whole) yes, but that’s the way it is.  We roll with the punches.  I’ll do some restorative yoga today for my neck, I’ll email my sister and try not to worry about it.

This blog this week is a dumping ground for my mind right now.  Like I said:  Head. Spinning.  It feels like I want to create something interesting and fun, but I’m not a fashion blogger I don’t care about sharing my outfits, stuff like this, advice about mental health, my experience, and hopefully that is interesting to some people.

I promise to spend the rest of the week making great content.  I have three posts already planned, and hopefully my time is a bit more even so I can sit down and write them all.

Hope you’re all well, remember that you are all right right now :)

xx Jess

Efficient Packing and the Tale of Three Bags

Good Morning friends! I hope you’ve had a really wonderful weekend, I had a full two days oasis from the stress that plagued me enough to ceasefire the posts for a bit. However, I’m going to try to post a it more regularly, but with an impending move and two jobs it has become a bit difficult. Nonetheless, here’s some tips of efficient packing when limited bags are available!

Coming home for me means laundry and minimal bags. I had two bags and a dress shoes and makeup for a wedding to pack. Needless to say, one bag was full of laundry and the dress, the other had ork things and makeup. These two bags did me well this weekend, the only downfall was having to wear the shoes for the wedding home, which made for a painful Thursday! (The shoes were completely broken in for the wedding though!)

The elusive third bag came about when I realized there were things that I was to send home and not take back to Toronto with me, and so I found a different bag (this one had llamas on it from Peru!) and filled it with things that were wedding-specific and to be sent home for cleaning/storage.  This included my travel things and the dress (and those heels I spoke of, they were sent home in this bag) leaving the other two bags to hold the things needed for Toronto.

All of this system will break down in a month when I move into a more permanent place and want to leave little at my parents’ house, but I will continue on in my student-luxury for a little while longer!  Thanks to my gracious parents for not complaining about my room always having various things stored there.

So, three bags, various stages of packing, and all the while taking a much needed break from the hubbub of work and work and work.  I know The Muddy Mary Project doesn’t seem like work on the outside, and if I’m honest never feels like too much work on the inside, but reading plays and being organized and responsible IS work, and its on top of my full-time job at CNIB, and living independently, and its amazing, but sometimes I like to just shut my brain off from all of that, chat with friends until late at night, dance for the rest of it with my family, and just get out.

This weekend was truly a blessing, whatever that means to you, because it recharged me, and I arrived home yesterday to read HALF of the things I needed to!  So proud of myself, ready for another evening of reading tonight (along with grocery shopping, scholarship/grant writing, and cleaning…joy) but it all comes with the terms of being a) a Freelancer and b) an “adult,” so I can’t complain.

I hope you’ve all enjoyed yourselves on this morning commute to work!  I missed the crazy subway drama, thank goodness, and hopefully will be able to get through the day only mildly drenched by all of this rain!

xx Jess